Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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