I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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