Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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