Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
