Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
