a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
