And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
