Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
