my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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