does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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