Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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