That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
