i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
