Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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