fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
