I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Randomize
