Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
