I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
