it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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