I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
