Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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