Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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