i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
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