Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
