You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
