I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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