do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he was CRYING into my vagina
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
