I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Randomize
