and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Randomize
