From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
