sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I think your dad took our porno
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
His nipple licking is glorious
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