I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
