There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
