if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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