She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Randomize
