is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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