You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
