Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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