My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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