fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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