she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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