I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
