When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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