It's like God shit irony all over that family
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
