Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
