Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
