do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
