My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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