This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
