I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
