I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
