I'm going to jail i love you
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
