We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
