I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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